Heart-dented

"Communication skills, Cognac, technofear, traffic lights,
Blue skies, Ravel, agit-prop, acid, jewellery, flamethrowers,
Softly softly
These stupid fucking things remind me of you
They stick in my head like hope and glue."

Chris Roberts

I am heart-dented. I'm not heart-broken. I've been heart-broken three times in my life now, and I'm too old to do it again, it's so tiring. If you really wanted to fuck me up, you should have got to me sooner, as Nick Hornby would say.

I've just got back from Tescos. Hardly the site of nostalgic longing, you might think, but there's a Tescos near me and a Tescos near him, and due to his finickity eating habits and the fact he never had any food in, we seemed to go to Tescos pretty much every time we were together. Now if that's not romance, I don't know what is. ;-) It's the first time, though, I've been to Tescos for a while as I haven't been very organised myself recently and have been mainly living on chocolate left over from Christmas, cheese bought hastily and naughtily elsewhere, and some toast when I feel like a proper hot meal. So I found myself skulking sulkily around the aisles, picking up squash and remembering how we liked the same squash, or buying lots of vegetables and thinking about how he would never have eaten them. The whole experience has left me feeling sleepy. Not exhausted. Sad, not beside myself. Jaded, not broken. It's all just so mundane.

This lessening of emotion is something I've noticed spreading across everything in my vision, at least in recent weeks. It's like someone's drained all the colour out of life. I can't think of a single thing I'm looking forward to, not really... but there's nothing I'm really dreading either. My heart is dented, my head is bored. I'm suffering from ennui, but only a little bit... I can't be bothered with any more than that. I'm not sure I can dredge up the strength for real emotions any more.

Of course, I'm sure this is just temporary. Only a few weeks ago, I had a whole blog worked out based around how music controls my emotions so much (but got too busy to write it)... I can't remember exactly how it was gonna go, but it was inspired by the fact that I heard two songs in quick succession on the radio, one (The Thrill of 30 Seconds, by Skint and Demoralised, which I've only heard on the radio twice and never been able to track down... the first time was when I was first falling in love with the boy before this one, and it seemed to epitomise my feelings at the time... and then the second time some weeks ago as I was waking up and vulnerable... first thing in the mornings is always my most depressed time of day) which made me sob uncontrollably... and then another (which I've just discovered is called Bullets by Editors... I thought it was by them, am all pleased with myself for recognising his voice... not that it was much of an achievement, really, he has a very distinctive voice... but anyway, I noticed it because the lyrics went "If something has to change/and it always does/you don't need this disease/it is not love" which is a bit sweeping and idealistic, (no-one's perfect, or so they tell me, something's always gonna need to change, really) but none the less is true of that particular boy to the enth degree) which cheered me up almost immediately and made me want to stomp around like a Riot Grrl who holds the hearts of all the local indie kids in her powerful hand.

So yeah, plainly I'm talking nonsense and I can still scream and cry with the best of them (probably some way ahead of the best of them, I'm a slightly melodramatic person, it could be said) so I should probably be enjoying this period of relative numbness before it goes away.


More Christmas poetry...

Let’s be mates

Madonna and Morrissey and Pet Shop Boys
and Public Enemy, Bringing tha Noize.
My So-Called Life, Lost, Come Dine with Me,
Arrested Development, Sex and the City.
Cheese and crackers, sushi and wine,
Chinese and Tanqueray in the sunshine.
Ponies and high heels and Adam and Joe,
Faster, Twisted Kitten, Faster, go, go!



Jenni

You and I are my best-loved pair of jeans
we are snug and worn and soft in all of the right places
we’re the colour I would try to paint the sky
We’re made of fabric that feels like it embraces.

You and I are my favourite funny film
the one that gives my ribs a deep and honest ache
and every time I watch our film, I see something new
Our movie is so great and gripping even I can stay awake.

You and I are my most uplifting, most kinetic tune
that takes me unawares when it blares out my radio.
We are the song that buries my black moods
Or gives already happy days an extra glow


You and I will dance together til the end.