Our heroine, named Romy, was
a tubby, ginger, gypsy girl.
Born in Cornish caravan,
hidden away from the real world.
She made origami rabbits
as life-like as the real thing –
her only friends were the squirrels
whom she took under wing.
Romy’s terrible luck began
as a not-so bonny baby.
Just the merest smidgeon of wheat
made her insides swell up like crazy.
To add insult to injury,
our Romy was such a klutz,
she'd trip over her neighbour's shoes,
and was always covered in cuts.
Romy thought she’d hit rock bottom
when her fam'ly moved to London –
how was our girl to know that there
was so much worse to come? –
How she wept to swap her beach view
for a north London grey high rise…
her only comfort was – she had no friends
with whom to swap goodbyes.
By the first day at her new school,
our gal was beaming full of pride.
Her new Miffy lunchbox full of
soy lentil cupcakes at her side.
The other girls, who scorned Miffy,
stared at this strange new girl in shock.
This fat gypsy who talked to squirrels
had entire'ly the wrong lunch-box!
Now, stage right, enter Julian
our ill-fated, troubled hero,
with ink smudged on his skinny face,
twigs in his unruly afro.
Clamped in his right hand at all times
was his trusty blue inhaler,
which guarded him from asthma and
made him feel a total failure.
But worse than this, our Julian
alas, had found himself twice cursed,
suffering not just from asthma,
but from another fate, much worse!
If e'er a seven-year-old boy
wants to have no friends, forever,
he should use words like ‘vociferous’
and hence be known as clever.
At one o’clock on this dark noon,
our heroes were finger painting.
Blissfully so unaware their
hearts would soon be syncopating!
The teacher, Miss Anthropy,
sharp clapped her hands and called out ‘lunch!’
Packs of mean girls eyed up Romy,
wond’ring who'd would throw that first punch.
The blondest girl smiled toxicly,
and offered Romy up a cake,
Poor Romy took it trustingly,
no idea the girl’s grin was fake.
“Is this wheat free?” the girl said yes,
innocent Romy had been tricked!
Her tummy started to swell and so
she didn’t see her lunch tin get nicked!
As was the way when she ate wheat
- I should warn you, it's far from cute -
Romy got bloated, her face went red,
and her bottom began to toot!
The mean girls fell about laughing,
Romy waved farewell to her pride.
As her parps filled the dining hall,
our shamed heroine fled outside.
Julian was eating alone
when he saw Romy’s Miffy tin.
The lentil cakes were strewn about,
and the metal had been kicked in.
Our Jules, who'd always liked rabbits,
picked it up, admired the front.
“Who does this belong to?” he thought,
“I’d better go on a hunt…”
Julian set off with the lunch tin,
looked round his usual haunts for the owner.
They weren’t lurking in the cloakroom
or in a corner, like a loner.
They weren’t locked inside a toilet,
so he tried the deserted shack,
but looking stirred up so much dust
it sparked off an asthma attack!
Outside with his blue inhaler,
he just couldn’t believe what he saw
a beauty talking to squirrels –
our Julian’s jaw hit the floor.
As Julian spotted Romy,
this was purest love at first sight,
he felt as though all his bad luck
had clean disappeared overnight.
Romy looked up from the squirrels
and her eyes met Julian’s eyes.
She felt her little gypsy heart
grow to twice its normal size.
He held out her Miffy lunchbox
and she reached her hands towards his…
both were too shy to speak, but knew
they wanted to share a chaste kiss.
Fair listeners, as you may have guessed,
the path to true love is bumpy.
As our lovers go dewey eyed,
cruel fate sticks in her nose – see
as violins swell in his ears,
and Romy burns bright red,
a passing seagull spots our pair
and drops his load right on her head!
Why some people call that lucky,
no, I could never quite surmise –
I doubt Romy thought it lucky
when creamy bird poo filled her eyes!
Crying out, she stumbled off
and from our Julian, she fled,
leaving him wringing his damp hands
calling, "was it something I said?"
Julian tried to sleep that night
in the room he shared with his brothers,
his thoughts were all of ginger curls,
with no room for any others.
Jules tried to cough himself to sleep,
wondering why she’d run away…
"It must be me," he thought sadly,
"I’m as useless as they all say."
Meanwhile, in a caravan,
on the other side of town,
Romy blushed as red as her hair
and just couldn’t suppress her frown.
"He’ll never love me!" she wailed,
her broken, beaten heart in bits…
"Nowt's less becoming on gingers
than an eyeful of bird sh..." – well, let’s say poo, shall we? My mother's in the audience...
A week went by, and our star crossed pair
became more shy and more tongue-tied.
Until – a trip to the zoo was announced –
was luck finally on their side?
What do you think? Is this the chance
for our heroes to share a wink?
Will Julian get the kiss he wants?
Say, audience, what do you think?
Squashed on the coach bound for the zoo,
Julian thought, "she will be mine!"
Inspiration struck him round the face,
"I’ll win Romy’s heart with a rhyme!"
For, if asthma and brains weren’t enough
to make Julian bullies’ pet –
he was also a poet – come on, Jules!
We all know that poets are wet!
So, Julian started writing
and began to spill out his heart.
The blondest girl screwed up her face
as if she was smelling a fart.
"Look," she hissed, "thinks he’s a poet,"
and the bully girls were deployed.
They tore Jules' poem into shreds
and so his plan, it was destroyed.
At the zoo, our unlucky pair
went t'ward the rabbit enclosure,
Romy decided origami was
the best path for her heart’s disclosure.
She fashioned a bunny from paper
and whispered, "this is for you,"
but a passing monkey snatched it,
and slung it around with some poo!
“Enough! Stop!” the fates did decree
deciding they must intervene.
This wee pair have suffered enough,
can fortune stop being so mean?
Well, audience, it’s up to you –
our lovers fate lies in your hands.
Do you want a tragic ending for them?
Or less tragic? Where do you stand?
ENDING A - less tragic:
At last, the fates were smiling,
and so our pair had their first kiss –
but not their last, for they went on,
to spend their lives in wedded bliss.
Well, bliss may be too strong a word,
for bad luck always clouded their skies.
But with ginger hair and poems to deal with…
well really… are you surprised?
ENDING B - tragic:
Finally, the time had come
the kiss was on the horizon!
Romy leaned into Julian,
but the blondest girl had spied em.
She threw a rock – Jules staggered back –
clutched Romy’s hand, they did descend
straight into the lion pit where
those true loves met their toothy end.