Saturday, 11 September 2010


There is a quote from Ally McBeal which some extensive research (well, five minutes on Google) won't reveal to me, but which, if I remember correctly, goes something like, 'I've tried my whole life to avoid being lonely. But when I think about it, the times when I've felt most lonely have been when I'm sitting right next to someone.' That's not quite right, she says it better. (And yes, I know she's not real, thank you very much.) I did think about going to get the DVDs to try to find it properly (I'm fairly sure it's the first one of a series - maybe series four - near the end of the episode, so it probably wouldn't take too long), but I suspect that way madness (in the form of lying on my bed doing nothing but watching Ally McBeal for the next 48 hours) lies. (Is that enough sets of brackets for an opening paragraph?) (No?) (Ok, we'll have some more.)

Loneliness is a funny old beast, isn't it? I always feel an affinity to that line from Ally, hence looking for it and thinking I would start this blog entry with it. And yet, now I think about it, I realise I'm almost the exact opposite to her. I spend a large portion of my life wishing I was on my own, away from all these rabbiting people ruffling up my view... and yet as soon as I am alone, I sink as fast into misery and loneliness as a lump of rock sinks into a murky pond.

I'm not quite sure what it is I'm looking for, or what exactly I think it is that's going to make me happy. A slap round the face is probably the most pertinent suggestion. I mean, really... what happened to the less boys, less whining I promised you all a while ago? Will I ever really stop moaning? Very likely not, I wouldn't hold your breath.

I had a weekend recently that was crammed full of people. People everywhere, falling out of doorways and tripping over each others' shoes. A quote from the fabulous Charlie Brooker occurs to me here, and this one I actually could find: "I don't get people. What's their appeal, precisely? They waddle around with their haircuts on, cluttering the pavement like gormless, farting skittles. They're awful." I spent a large portion of the weekend longing to be back at home and away from all the noise and clamour, and when I did get home, back to sanity and peace and quiet, what happened? I was so depressed for 24 hours I could scarcely get out of bed.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Is it to live on my own, with a high wire fence around my house, with only some guard dogs and all the Lost boxsets for company? Or is it to be married and have a house full of friends coming round at all hours of the day and night? I suppose I must grudgingly admit it's something in the middle, but where's the fun in that?

I think I should probably take some of my own advice and do some more 'flow' type things when I am on my own (see the DJing blog) rather than dying slow degree by slow degree in front of the television with my gameboy clutched in one hand and an endless stack of toast in the other. I should be doing things that will satisfy me, not things that will gratify me... taking more photos, writing more poetry, going swimming, practicing DJing, making clothes. But it's just so much effort. Can't I spend my life being miserable and finding new ways to articulate it on the internet instead? Oh, I can? Great... then everyone's a winner.


  1. The thing I find is that when I'm with other people, I'm acutely aware of all the things I should be doing - uni work, music practice, solving the world's problems, that kind of thing - and therefor find it hard to truly enjoy the time with them. When I'm on my own I find myself lonely and missing people and very rarely does the thought enter into my brain that I could tackle some of the things on my never ending to do list.

    So with people, I want to be doing stuff. Without people, I don't remember the stuff that I wanted to do!

    I find myself both looking forwards to and dreading alone time, but I just don't know how to use it well. IT's rubbish. I look at Mark too and he will happily beaver away at one of many things when he's alone and I long for the motivation and focus to be able to do that too.

    Is it a female/male brain quirk?

  2. :))) Another great observation on life there. I spend a bit of time alone when Tim`s at work or out and when my girlie`s at school and I have realised I`m not very good at it either, spesh living in a little village where life`s so much quieter. I console myself that if I sit on FB I can see others there who are also alone (possibily) and so I`m not the only billy-no-mates lurking! I don`t think there is a happy medium ... unless a ghost tells one a joke *gets coat* x

  3. LOL at Lu.

    And yeah, Polly, I know what you mean... I always have a list of things I should be getting on with as well, but I tend to think that when I'm alone, since I'm pretty busy a lot of the time, I somehow deserve to have a break and do nothing... but I think I need a new definition of what doing nothing involves. Or just get over myself and do stuff like clean the house and do the gardening, lol!