Here's a little poem I wrote for my friend Kaye's cabaret, which I performed in last night. It is dedicated to my many, many friends who got married this year. Thank you to all of them for having so much more imaginative and wonderful weddings than the ones depicted in this poem - I love you all. Please don't hate me.
The Summer of Love
Ooo!
A thick, creamy envelope's come in the post.
This has to be something exciting...
A wedding! My goodness! What fabulous news!
I'm so happy to be invited.
I'll rush to the shops, and I'll buy a new dress,
and some heels that reach for the sky.
Bring a bumper pack of tissues along,
cos true love always makes me cry.
The big day is here, we've all scrubbed up well,
the groom's up the front looking shy.
The bride! The dress! She looks so fine!
It's the best day of all of our lives.
A kid stumbles over her reading (aww),
but really, we won't complain.
They say their 'I dos,' the girls start to cry...
Now let's all go get drunk on champagne!
This reception is simply fabulous!
This risotto is simply divine!
These speeches are simply hilarious!
Yes, I will have another white wine.
I'm sat next to your rib-ticklin' uncle,
and I'll try to catch the bouquet.
I've been eyeing up that fit groomsman, so
you'd better not get in my way.
It's the end of the night, we all stumble home,
it's been the most beautiful day.
It's a shame he snogged that northern bitch
and my vision is starting to sway.
Steve's being sick in the toilet, but still -
it's the British wedding way!
NEXT MONTH...
Oh!
Another thick envelope's come in the post.
I think I know what this might be...
Ah yes! Another wedding! Well...
it looks like I'm probably free.
I guess I'd best buy another dress,
though could this one lead to less debt?
And I'll bring my trusty tissues along,
cos true love; well, it makes me upset.
The day is... here, we've all... turned up.
Is that groom coming out in hives?
The bride comes in, and she does look great,
it's the best day of their lives.
Another kid does another reading,
as I sneak a look at the time.
They say their 'I dos,' the guys look askance,
now let's all go get messed up on wine!
This reception is kinda fun, I guess,
though my risotto is a bit grim.
These speeches are going on a bit,
we'd better not run out of gin.
I'm sat next to your tedious uncle,
I'll escape to catch the bouquet.
The band's bass player's a bit of alright,
so don't bloody well get in my way!
It's the end of the night, and we've drunk the bar dry.
Steve's pissed and being a prick.
The bridesmaids are rowing out in the rain,
and the bride's tiara got nicked.
That bass player is snogging some skinny slut...
oh help... I'm gonna be sick!
NEXT WEEK...
Eww...
Another thick envelope's come in the post.
Oh, dear god, it's not fair!
Another wedding I can't turn down.
Can I say I've been mauled by a bear?
Could I still fit into last month's dress?
It might zip if I don't do much sighing.
I'll need my waterproof slap because
I'll probably end up crying.
The day is here and we're all running late,
the groom's up the front looking smug.
The bride looks gorgeous, of course - bitch.
How long before we get drunk?
Another kid messes a reading up,
what are they taught in these schools?
They say their 'I dos,' but I bet it won't last.
Let's all drown our sorrows in booze!
This reception is never-ending.
This risotto tastes like dirt!
Who told this best man he was funny?
These speeches are making me hurt.
I'm sat next to your lecherous uncle,
and if this time, I catch the bouquet,
I'll use it to lamp his face in,
so for fuck's sake - stay out of my way!
It's the end of the night, and these shoes hurt my feet,
all of my make-up has run.
I'll end up snogging Steve at this rate -
my hangover's already begun.
I can't find a taxi - which way is home?
Oh, when will I ever learn?
I'll never go to a wedding again.
You guys... just wait til my turn.
The Summer of Love
Ooo!
A thick, creamy envelope's come in the post.
This has to be something exciting...
A wedding! My goodness! What fabulous news!
I'm so happy to be invited.
I'll rush to the shops, and I'll buy a new dress,
and some heels that reach for the sky.
Bring a bumper pack of tissues along,
cos true love always makes me cry.
The big day is here, we've all scrubbed up well,
the groom's up the front looking shy.
The bride! The dress! She looks so fine!
It's the best day of all of our lives.
A kid stumbles over her reading (aww),
but really, we won't complain.
They say their 'I dos,' the girls start to cry...
Now let's all go get drunk on champagne!
This reception is simply fabulous!
This risotto is simply divine!
These speeches are simply hilarious!
Yes, I will have another white wine.
I'm sat next to your rib-ticklin' uncle,
and I'll try to catch the bouquet.
I've been eyeing up that fit groomsman, so
you'd better not get in my way.
It's the end of the night, we all stumble home,
it's been the most beautiful day.
It's a shame he snogged that northern bitch
and my vision is starting to sway.
Steve's being sick in the toilet, but still -
it's the British wedding way!
NEXT MONTH...
Oh!
Another thick envelope's come in the post.
I think I know what this might be...
Ah yes! Another wedding! Well...
it looks like I'm probably free.
I guess I'd best buy another dress,
though could this one lead to less debt?
And I'll bring my trusty tissues along,
cos true love; well, it makes me upset.
The day is... here, we've all... turned up.
Is that groom coming out in hives?
The bride comes in, and she does look great,
it's the best day of their lives.
Another kid does another reading,
as I sneak a look at the time.
They say their 'I dos,' the guys look askance,
now let's all go get messed up on wine!
This reception is kinda fun, I guess,
though my risotto is a bit grim.
These speeches are going on a bit,
we'd better not run out of gin.
I'm sat next to your tedious uncle,
I'll escape to catch the bouquet.
The band's bass player's a bit of alright,
so don't bloody well get in my way!
It's the end of the night, and we've drunk the bar dry.
Steve's pissed and being a prick.
The bridesmaids are rowing out in the rain,
and the bride's tiara got nicked.
That bass player is snogging some skinny slut...
oh help... I'm gonna be sick!
NEXT WEEK...
Eww...
Another thick envelope's come in the post.
Oh, dear god, it's not fair!
Another wedding I can't turn down.
Can I say I've been mauled by a bear?
Could I still fit into last month's dress?
It might zip if I don't do much sighing.
I'll need my waterproof slap because
I'll probably end up crying.
The day is here and we're all running late,
the groom's up the front looking smug.
The bride looks gorgeous, of course - bitch.
How long before we get drunk?
Another kid messes a reading up,
what are they taught in these schools?
They say their 'I dos,' but I bet it won't last.
Let's all drown our sorrows in booze!
This reception is never-ending.
This risotto tastes like dirt!
Who told this best man he was funny?
These speeches are making me hurt.
I'm sat next to your lecherous uncle,
and if this time, I catch the bouquet,
I'll use it to lamp his face in,
so for fuck's sake - stay out of my way!
It's the end of the night, and these shoes hurt my feet,
all of my make-up has run.
I'll end up snogging Steve at this rate -
my hangover's already begun.
I can't find a taxi - which way is home?
Oh, when will I ever learn?
I'll never go to a wedding again.
You guys... just wait til my turn.
